Me, Myself and Lavanya

Today, the 26th of January is celebrated as the Republic Day in India. However, it was nothing special for me. It was the same as any other day. Yesterday, night I slept very late. Was reading some artciles about spyware and security online. Spyware has become great headache these days. Its too difficult to be protected from all kinds of spyware and browse the Internet freely. After waking up at 12:45pm in the afternoon, I saw a few missed calls from her. Nowadays, I am mostly keeping my cell in silent mode while going to sleep, coz if I get disturbed in between I won’t get proper sleep or may be it would not be pssible for me to get sleep soon. After getting this broadband Internet connection in my room, somehow I am able to keep myself busy for sometime. I am sleeping only if im unable to do any other work, like searching for nice articles in Google. I like participating in Discussion boards/forums also. This has been a hobby since the last 4 years or more. I like helping people and to be helped when im in need. Few people call this expectation! Is it bad to expect help from a group of people whom I’ve helped in whatever ways possible for me? I don’t think so. The same holds true for love. If you love a person truly and madly, never expect that he/she will love you the same way. If expectations are not there, there’s nothing left in the world. Like in job interviews, the HRs ask, where do you see yourself 2,3 or 4 years from now? This question is answered based on mere expectations. No one knows or has seen the future (excluding a few supernatural beings!)

Each person who loves another person, always has some expectations on him/her. Without this its just not possible to be in love or think of love. Love is really a nice feeling. But, you should never over-do it. Keep love where it is supposed to be. Don’t ever keep it on your head and force your heart to make decisions. This can be very regretful in the future. As the saying goes, If you love someone, set them free. Its quite true in certain aspects and I knew this long before I fell in love.

But, never set your beloved free to such an extent that she/he starts taking you for granted! People are there, in this worls who just want to taste a bit of everything when they can and when its really easy to do so. Its really difficult to identify such people in this huge world. Take your own time and study a person’s mind and heart very clearly before coming into a relationship. Whoever you are, and if you are reading my blog and you liked the way I write, there are many chances you would be an Indian. The thoughts expressed in here are purely Indian. The ideology of true love is the same all over the world. However, in western countries, the value and quality of true love has degraded to its limits. People seek a partner just for having fun, sex etc. Most relationships are valid only for a few days, months or years. Anyways, I am not here to advocate on this topic. The sole purpose of this blog is to share with the world, my happiness, sorrows and everything else that has and is going to happen in my life. May be at some place in this blog you can find a little sentence or a word that would help you make your life a little better or avoid getting into such troubles as I have gone through.

Always, remember this : “Never love a person more than he/she deserves. Never keep too much expectations (I know its difficult!). Don’t let anyone take you for a ride. In other words, don’t let them take you for granted. Don’t let them sit on your head.” Whether you are a girl or a guy, the above statements hold good for both.

If you are a guy :

* Don’t run behind her. Wait for her to come to you. If she doesn’t come, leave her alone. Coz, she doesn’t love you. She is just spending good time with you. She wants you to feel that she loves you, so that may be some day, you will start believing her and make her sit on your head! Beware and be careful about this.

* Don’t force her to do anything. If she has the courage to go against her parents to love you and marry you, she’s the ONE for you. Being happy with a person in good times is very easy. Loving and caring for someone when you are not able to help yourself is quite difficult. Don’t let your heart rule over your mind. Don’t just keep thinking that,if she loved you so much she can do anything for you. These are all fake talks in today’s world. Not every girl or guy thinks the same way, neither does each person love the same way. The ideas and thoughts expressed here and completely mine and does not have to relate necessarily with the way anyone else thinks.

The concept of true love has totally vanished now. People have become selfish and will be with you mostly for material pleasure. It’s very difficult to understand such people. Keep your wallet aside when you are into love. Never let money get into a relationship like love. Money makes life and spoils life also in many cases. Its not worth it. Its needed to survive. I know, but you need to keep it for things which can’t be done without money. You need food to eat, a place to live, places to go… these need money. Use it wisely. Love needs the heart and soul of two persons to be one. Next,comes money. Once you are sure that you are going to stay together for the rest of your life, starting thinking about each other’s future.

It’s enough for today. I am not feeling well. Will continue some other time. I know it wasn’t such a nice read, but anyways… take care.

Ashish

Its more than 5 horus past my office shift. I have this bad habit of being at computers for hours at a strech, no matter I am doing anything productive or not. After returning to my PG at 4:30am, I logged in to check my mails and suddenly got this thought about my lovely school and the nice teachers I had been with in those 12 years! Search for the web site for D.A.V. Public School, Bhubaneswar in Google and sent a mail to the principal. If not for my school, I wouldn’t have been here, writing this. My eyes are burning and my muscles are aching with tiredness. Still I am not feeling like going to sleep. It has become a routine for me now. Getting up late in the afternoon, near about 2pm or more, getting ready and going to the nearby bakery to get some snacks to eat. By the time I feel a little relaxed, I would get a call from the cab driver. It would usually come to pick me up for office at 5:30pm everyday except Wenesday and Thursday (Week Offs). These timings are offs are ofcourse not permanent. They keep on changing every month. But, sometimes I like this kind of life a lot! Don’t know why! 

I have reduced smoking these days from more than 15 cigarettes a day to nearly 6 or 7 a day. I can understand,its me who’s going to suffer for these one day in the future. My eating habits have drastically changed since the past one month. There is nothing like lunch, dinner or breakfast for me. I am eating whenever I am feeling its too difficult to do without eating. It not like a routine stuff for me now. I have become very quiet, moody and always want to stay confined to my room in this PG. The moment I step outside, I miss her a lot. I just need to be inside my room or in my office. I am not able to go anywhere else or do anything else without thinking of her, without missing her every second. I might have to stay like this all my life. I am trying my best to keep myself happy and engaged. However, its not happening. Everyday, mom is calling me and asking me to think about my career and future and try to forget her. She’s not worth me. I don’t know, whether she’s worth me or not, but I can say this that I truly love her a lot. She’ll always be a cute little baby to me, no matter if she starts ignoring or avoiding me. I’ll always regret for this that, just for my possesiveness I lost the one I loved the most. She couldn’t bear my possesiveness and my love. It’s quite self explainatory. Isn’t it?

Need to go to sleep now and get up at 3pm as usually. Am too tired to sleep also…

I went to sleep at 6:40am on 20th Jan. Woke up nearly at 2:30pm. Extremely bored. Checked my mails for some time. Tried calling her up, but the cell was switched off for quite some time. She sent me a miss you.. e-card! Was suprpised. Unfortunately, she intended to save the card for Valentine’s Day. It was sent by mistake. Till 5pm today, I wasn’t getting any response calling her several times. Nearly at 5:20pm she received and told me that the cell was in silent mode. She tried explaining me everything. She was too tired after returning from office (Convergys) and there was too much disturbance from the consultancies calling up repeatedly. As its a Friday, there was too much noise and disturbance in her PG. So, she was not able to sleep well. She was irritated. Me too. I sent her a few messeges yesterday, but she didnt receive them coz of some network problems. Still there are issues with the Airtel network here in Bangalore.    

Unfortunately, we had a long argument over this topic… “Why didn’t she reply to my msgs and she didnt even receive my calls till 5:15pm”. I talked a bit rudely to her, I realized that very soon after disconnecting the fone. Both of us were in a pretty bad mood. So the argument went on for nearly 1 and a half hours on the fone. She used a slang for me on the fone, I didn’t like that.

My office timings are from 6:30pm to 3:30am. Too busy with my work right now. Will continue this thread after I reach home at 4:30am.

If you would have told me once, that “Ashish, I tried my best to save our love. My parents are not accepting you. I am helpless. My heart will always be with you. It is always yours”. I would have understood atleast and would not have scolded you so badly. From the time you started talking to me on 1st Jan, you were going on accusing me of everything I have done to you. You told me to believe in time and wait. I was waiting. I did everything you had asked me to do. I know many times you have told me that we will be good friends. But I did not understand, why you told all the past things blaming me of everything, of every pain you got. I wanted to go ask your parents for you, I asked you also. You never replied to that msg. You know dear, how my mom was talking to you before. She wanted you for me. Never she said anything bad about you or your parents before all this happened. Since the day you started sending msgs writing that you parents are asking about my family’s reputation, my job, house, my sister’s death, my dad and so many other things. … My mom just asked me one question, did she not think that she has to answer all these questions. I always compared you with my mom. You will never know, how much respectful that is.
 
Tell me one thing dear. When I asked you said, you will never meet me, you shouted at me and said “Dont call me, why are you disturbing me”. My mom took 10 days leave from office and came here to help both of us get together. She was waiting with me to talk to you, so that she could know what the situation is and what you are thinking to do. You told me very clearly that, you wont do anything without your parents blessings and that your parents will never accept me. I told this to mom. She wanted you to just call her once and say that, at some place in your heart you still have a little love for me. That did not happen. Even you were not talking to her or receiving her calls. She was never worried only about me. Till now i am not talking to her. I know she will be very worried about me. I know, I am hurting her. But, i am helpless. I want you… I WANT YOU… I will always want you beside me.
 
Can you just imagine, a person who is making his own mother suffer like this for talking badly about you and your parents….? Can you just feel, how much I love you? If my mom would not have said all those things to you, may be you would have been angry only at me or scolded only me. I know, the thing my mom did was not right.
 
Even if you leave me and go.. even if you dont receive my calls.. even if you try to avoid me all your life… I will always love you the same way. Holding hands, walking together on the foot-paths in BTM, giving MUAH on the phone, sharing each and every little thing with each other, going to temples, getting ready nicely to meet, talking on the phone for hours, and 100s of other things. Its just impossible for me to hate you. I will die before I start hating you, in case if such a day comes.
 
You wrote in the msg now, that my mom and your parents have asked you not to talk to me. But still you are talking to me. Is it something I should be proud about? When you sent that msg from your home and wrote that, Ashish plz dont keep any hopes on me now, then also I didnt feel that you will leave me. So many times I asked you, just talk to my mom for some time. You did not listen dear.
Since, the time she scolded you, every time you are saying my mom doesnt want you. Did you forget the days when she used to ask about your health, when she used to ask me not to scold you, when she gave the pintu doll and the saree to you? I know dear, my mom never had any bad impression about you until this happened. You can never understand the heart of a mother who has lost her daughter. I have seen her during those days. My mom also loves me the same way as your mom. That’s why she wanted you to come back to you.
 
Atleast once if you would have talked to her and told her, that you will not leave me… this would not have gone so far. I forced you to love me, I forced you to take gifts from me, I forced you to hold my hands and walk, I forced you to sit in the park with me bearing the mosquito bites, I forced you and did not let you make any good friends, I forced you to be with me all the time…. so many nice things things you told me before leaving.
 
Forever yours,
Ashish.