Me, Myself and Lavanya

Flame 1

Sorry. I don’t speak retardese. Can you get someone to translate into meaningful English before you post, please? Your post is an orgy of stultifying cacophonous verbal depravity;an exercise in literary impotence, and an offense to all of good taste and decency.

Keep typing. Maybe, someday, you’ll randomly type something semi-intelligent. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself on the Internet. If you knew what you’re talking about, you’d be dangerous. I am reminded of something relevant that Benjamin Disraeli said: “He was distinguished for ignorance – for he had only one idea and that was wrong.”

If that post was intended as a joke, you forgot to include the punch line. Looking at you, Darwin would NOT be pleased to see how inefficiently evolution sometimes works. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if you’d had enough oxygen at birth; if your weren’t so fat that buildings bounce when you haul your Sumo Wrestler mass down the street, or if you weren’t so ugly that even the tide wouldn’t take you out. Who am I kidding? You would.
You’re a message board freak. I know it’s hard to accept the truth, but the truth it is, and accept it, you must.
Flame 2

Is there a gibberish translator in the house? I can’t make head nor nail of that uber-babble you flung onto the screen during your latest spasmodic seizure. Your post is an orgy of stultifying cacophonous verbal depravity; an exercise in literary impotence, and an offense to all of good taste and decency.

I notice that you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your posts. Is that a conclusion
or simply the place where you got tired of thinking? If you knew what you’re talking about, you’d be dangerous. To quote Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

You have that certain nothing. Truly, you are about as interesting as watching a slug move slowly across a large rock. If you called the Suicide Hotline, they’d say: “Go ahead. Do it!” Maybe you wouldn’t read like such a pathetic loser if you weren’t an ‘idiot savant’
without the ’savant’ part; if your weren’t so fat that when you stand on the weighing scale, it reads: “To be continued!”, or if you didn’t have a face like a bulldog chewing a stinging nettle while taking a constipated dump in a heat wave. No, come to think of it, you would.In closing, why don’t you put your glasses on backwards and walk into yourself?

Flame 3

Your post is the world’s greatest proof of reincarnation; no one could get that dumb in
just one lifetime. Clearly, you spend way too much time in darkened rooms in front of your seven-year-old computer turning a whiter shade of pale. Go outside once in a while and breathe, before your brain starts to rot from all that festering stagnation and cognitive dysfunction.

Why don’t you shrink your head and use it as a paperweight? It’s not much use for writing intelligent posts with, that’s for sure. You are obviously suffering from Clue Deficit

Disorder. If you knew what you’re talking about, you’d be dangerous. To quote Thomas
Brackett Reed: “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

You are a bore, and a very dull one at that. Looking at you, Darwin would NOT be pleased to see how inefficiently evolution sometimes works. Maybe you wouldn’t read like such a
pathetic loser if you weren’t so dumb that even blondes tell jokes about you; if your
weren’t so fat that you look like The Michelin Man man on steroids, or if you didn’t have a
face so ugly that your mom had to get well-and-truly drunk before she could breast feed you.

Nah, of course you would.

In future, if you have something to say, just shut up.

Flame 4

Thank you! We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view, you ridiculous little carnival freak. How about putting that into proper syntax, form, and grammar so that I can at least understand what you are saying before I dismiss it?

Clearly, you have lost your fingertip grip on reality and have descended into an abyss of irreversible lunacy. You couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance. A long period of non-posting would be most welcome on your part. I suggest you need Mark Twain’s advice; “It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

You light up a room when you leave it. No doubt your life is so dull, that you can actually write your diary one week in advance. If I had wanted to talk to somebody with your personality, I would be at the damn pet store talking to the lizards. Maybe you wouldn’t come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if your father didn’t screw a plant and raised a blooming idiot; if your weren’t so grossly fat that you have to put your belt on with a boomerang, or if you didn’t have a face that is registered as a biological weapon. Who am I kidding? You would.
In conclusion, as your clue meter is reading zero, lets see if this registers: Get lost, creep!

Flame 5

Just when I think I’ve read the stupidest post ever, you go and post another. Just as the
strength of a solitary brick will not save a poorly built structure, your bold typeface does
not redeem your craven incoherent words.

You amaze me! I didn’t think it was possible for one person to possess such a vast reservoir of undiluted gibberish! I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself on the Internet. Anyway, who was talking to you or even taking you under consideration? I suggest you need Mark Twain’s advice; “It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

Reading your post is less interesting than watching paint dry. If wit was spit, your mouth
would be drier than a shallow well in an African heat wave. You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you. Maybe you wouldn’t come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if you didn’t have that botched back street lobotomy that left you that crisscrossed shoelace scar on your forehead; if your weren’t so fat that buildings bounce when you haul your Sumo Wrestler mass down the street, or if your face wasn’t the strongest form of natural contraception available. Nah, of course you would.

Now, why don’t you climb onto that Special Needs tricycle of yours with the fourth wheel
attached for extra-ensured retard stability and pedal your fat ass down to the sports field and do some “outdoors” stuff for a change. Hell, if you don’t like it, you can always offer
to lick-clean the jockstraps.

Flame 6

Just when I think, “Surely this person has reached and encapsulates the limits of
Internet tedium” you go and push the boundary even further. Your ineffective imitation of good posting style only serves to illuminate your lack of substance, good taste, and
decency.

You would be out of your depth in a parking lot puddle. Is that a conclusion or simply the
place where you got tired of thinking? Reading your post makes blindness a wonderful thing to look forward to. To quote Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Nothing in the world is more
dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

You are a bore, and a very dull one at that. You have the warm personal charm of a millipede and about as much class as a bucket of mucous lodged on top of a dumpster in a Blue Light district of New Jersey. Maybe you wouldn’t read like such a pathetic loser if you weren’t intellectually slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through a vat of chunky peanut butter; if your weren’t so fat that your cereal bowl has its own lifeguard, or if you didn’t have a face like a bulldog chewing a stinging nettle while taking a constipated dump in a heat wave. Nah, of course you would.

In closing, why don’t you put your glasses on backwards and walk into yourself?

Flame 7

Just when I think, “Surely this person has reached and encapsulates the limits of
Internet tedium” you go and push the boundary even further. You should offer your posting style to hospital operating theatres as a highly-effective alternative to
unconsciousness-inducing medications.

I suppose I should have some sympathy for your handicap. You are obviously paralyzed from the neck up. Wouldn’t clues have more room to fit in your head if you got rid of some of the gobbledygook in there? Reading your post makes blindness a wonderful thing to look forward to. I suggest you need Mark Twain’s advice; “It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

Most repair manuals are far more interesting than you, and far less turgid to read. If I had wanted to talk to somebody with your personality, I would be at the damn pet store talking to the lizards. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if you weren’t so stupid that even single-celled organisms out score you in IQ tests; if your weren’t so fat that your clothes come in three sizes: Extra Large, Jumbo, and Oh-My-God-It’s-Coming-Towards-Us!, or if you didn’t have a face so ugly that even your mother didn’t know which end to put the diaper on. Nah, of course you would.

In closing, I suggest the next time that you feel an urge to embarrass yourself and bore
others, that you summon all your might, and resist.

Flame 8

That post is written by something that is so stupid, if I took its tiny brain and rolled
it down the edge of a razor blade, it would be like a lone car going down a six lane
highway. I suggest you hone your writing skills before applying borrowed glories as a mere typist.

I don’t think you are a fool after reading your post, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others? You couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance. However, I’ll consider letting you have the last word if you guarantee it will be your last. I suggest you need Mark Twain’s advice; “It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

If that post was intended as a joke, you forgot to include the punch line. You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if didn’t lack even the dim flicker of sentience needed to qualify as a imbecile; if your weren’t so fat that your cereal bowl has its own lifeguard, or if you didn’t have a face that people rub tree branches on to make ugly sticks. Who am I kidding? You would.

Now, why don’t you climb onto that Special Needs tricycle of yours with the fourth wheel
attached for extra-ensured retard stability and pedal your fat ass down to the sports field and do some “outdoors” stuff for a change. Hell, if you don’t like it, you can always offer
to lick-clean the jockstraps.

Flame 9

I see that you are fluent in Gibbering Moronese. Unfortunately, I’m not. You generate more waffle than the waffle making machine in a waffle factory. Try learning elementary
grammar before attempting to inflict your next literary abomination on this message board.

If your brain matter was axle grease, there wouldn’t be enough in your head to grease the dynamo on a lightening bug’s ass. Clearly, the full area of your ignorance is not yet mapped. We are presently only exploring the fringes of that vast expanse. Well, you’re certainly thoughtless; I just wish that you were keyboard-less, too. I suggest you need Mark Twain’s advice; “It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

Most repair manuals are far more interesting than you, and far less turgid to read. I bet you thought it was just coincidence that your parents had the same surnames before they married? Maybe you wouldn’t be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if you’d had enough oxygen at birth; if your weren’t so fat from all that cheap beer you spend your Welfare payments on that your belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine, or if you didn’t have a face that could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck. Nah, of course you would.

In closing, I suggest the next time that you feel an urge to embarrass yourself and bore others, that you summon all your might, and resist.

Flame 10

Your post is a tedious, homogenised, chameleon-esque scribble which amounts to nothing more than the demented cacophonous racket of a drugged lunatic banging loudly on kitchen pots and pans. You should offer your posting style to hospital operating theatres as a highly-effective alternative to unconsciousness-inducing medications.

If brains were gasoline, you wouldn’t have enough to drive an ant’s Go-cart around the inside of a bottle cap. It’s truly amazing the way you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your typing, but then, making sense isn’t your area of expertise, is it? Well, you’re certainly thoughtless; I just wish that you were keyboard-less, too. I suggest you need Mark Twain’s advice; “It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

You have that certain nothing. Truly, you are about as interesting as watching a slug move slowly across a large rock. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. Maybe you wouldn’t come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if you had enough brains to find water after falling down a well; if your weren’t so fat that the Brooklyn Bridge would collapse if you ever tried to go Bungee Jumping off of it, or if you didn’t have a face that could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck. No, come to think of it, you would.

In closing, I offer these heartfelt words: Go suck on a frozen pineapple, asshole.

Flame 11

I refer to your latest discharge of plebeian verbiage; in which, you have proven, once again, that there is no such thing as unutterable nonsense. Rumor has it that you are almost incomprehensible in person (as revealed by your desperate urge to babble nonsensically on message boards.) No doubt, this rumor is true.

It’s just as well you can type, for if you had to speak your mind, you’d be speechless. Why is it that the people with the smallest minds always have the biggest mouths? Anyway, who was talking to you or even taking you under consideration? As Robert Wilensky said: “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.”

You are a bore, and a very dull one at that. Do yourself and everyone else a favor: take a fatal overdose of your medication. Maybe you wouldn’t come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if you weren’t so dumb that even blondes tell jokes about
you; if your weren’t so fat that the Brooklyn Bridge would collapse if you ever tried to go Bungee Jumping off of it, or if you didn’t have a face that makes Medusa look like a supermodel. Nah, of course you would.

Finally, take a look at this map. See this little tiny island, way out in the Pacific Ocean? That’s where the people who care live.

Flame 12

Your message board incompetence is an inspiration to botched lobotomy patients everywhere. Dullard, do yourself and everyone else a favor: disconnect your computer from the Internet.

You read like a gimpzoid teenager splashing spit onto the monitor. Don’t you ever have a point beyond giving your fingers some exercise by dancing them randomly over the keyboard? I understand what you are trying to say, even though you obviously don’t. You’ve got a big hole in your head, now shut it. When you are at a loss for words, your loss is our gain. As Robert Wilensky said: “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.”

You have that certain nothing. Truly, you are about as interesting as watching a slug move slowly across a large rock. You are nastier than a five-dollar whore getting a shit enema. You’re a waste of time, space, air, flesh, and the rectum you were born from, retard. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if you’d had enough oxygen at birth; if your weren’t so fat that your local ‘All-You-Can-Eat’ buffet had to install speed bumps, or if you didn’t have a face that could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck. Nah, of course you would.
In closing, why don’t you put your glasses on backwards and walk into yourself?

Flame 13

English is your second language, isn’t it? You don’t have a first. Your ineffective imitation of good posting style only serves to illuminate your lack of substance, good taste, and decency.

I suppose I should have some sympathy for your handicap. You are obviously paralyzed from the neck up. Clearly, the full area of your ignorance is not yet mapped. We are presently only exploring the fringes of that vast expanse. If you knew what you’re talking about, you’d be dangerous. To quote Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

You are about as entertaining as a child’s inflatable punching toy. You bop it, it springs back, you bop it again and you forget it ever existed. It slowly deflates in an unused corner, then one day you throw it away. Why don’t you close your mouth before someone sticks an apple in it? Maybe you wouldn’t read like such a pathetic loser if you’d had enough oxygen at birth; if your weren’t so fat that your local ‘All-You-Can-Eat’ buffet had to install speed bumps, or if you didn’t have a face like a bulldog chewing a stinging nettle while taking a constipated dump in a heat wave. No, come to think of it, you would.

To sum up: I’d rather pass the world’s largest kidney stone than read another post from you.

Flame 14

I refer to your latest discharge of plebeian verbiage; in which, you have proven, once again, that there is no such thing as unutterable nonsense. Dullard, do yourself and everyone else a favor: disconnect your computer from the Internet.

If there’s an idea in your head, it’s in solitary confinement. It’s truly amazing the way you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your typing, but then, making sense isn’t your area of expertise, is it? A long period of non-posting would be most welcome on your part.

Oh well, as the late Douglas Adams said: “You live and learn. At any rate, you live.” Most repair manuals are far more interesting than you, and far less turgid to read. There’s nothing wrong with you that couldn’t be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet, or, better yet, suicide. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if you didn’t eat all those paint chips and lead pencils when you were a kid; if your weren’t so fat that a “Place

Your Billboard Ad Here” is printed on each of your butt cheeks, or if you didn’t have a face that is registered as a biological weapon. Nah, of course you would.Finally, take a look at this map. See this little tiny island, way out in the Pacific Ocean?

That’s where the people who care live.

Flame 15

It sounds like English; it even looks like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re blabbering. Just as the strength of a solitary brick will not save a poorly built structure, your bold typeface does not redeem your craven incoherent words.

I don’t know what makes you such a worthless poster, but it really works! Wouldn’t clues have more room to fit in your head if you got rid of some of the gobbledygook in there? A long period of non-posting would be most welcome on your part. As Ellen Glasgow once remarked: “He knows so little and knows it so fluently.”

You are a bore, and a very dull one at that. There’s nothing wrong with you that couldn’t be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet, or, better yet, suicide. Maybe you wouldn’t read like such a pathetic loser if you weren’t living proof that stupid people should not breed; if your weren’t so fat that all the restaurants in town have signs that say: “Maximum Occupancy: 80 Patrons OR You.”, or if you didn’t have a face so ugly that your Psychiatrist makes you lie face down. No, come to think of it, you would.

Please try to have some small idea of what in the hell you’re talking about before you try to post again.

Flame 16

I see that you are fluent in Gibbering Moronese. Unfortunately, I’m not. You generate more waffle than the waffle making machine in a waffle factory. Try learning elementary grammar before attempting to inflict your next literary abomination on this message board.

I don’t know what makes you such a worthless poster, but it really works! You wouldn’t know a clue if it walked up to you, bit you on the ass, and announced ‘I AM A CLUE’. Well, you’re certainly thoughtless; I just wish that you were keyboard-less, too. How true is Stanislaw J. Lec’s famous remark: “Every now and then you meet someone whose ignorance is encyclopedic.”

What possessed you to think that you were capable of being entertaining or interesting to read? If you called the Suicide Hotline, they’d say: “Go ahead. Do it!” Maybe you wouldn’t come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if that pimple on your ass hadn’t turned out to be a brain tumor; if your weren’t so fat that the Brooklyn Bridge would collapse if you ever tried to go Bungee Jumping off of it, or if you didn’t have a face that makes your dentist treat you by mail-order. No, come to think of it, you would.

In conclusion, as your clue meter is reading zero, lets see if this registers: Get lost,
creep!

Flame 17

That post is written by something so confused, it doesn’t know whether to scratch its watch or wind its ass. I suggest you hone your writing skills before applying borrowed glories as a mere typist.

Keep typing. Maybe, someday, you’ll randomly type something semi-intelligent. You could type every thing you know on the subject on back of a microscopic postage stamp and still have room leftover for a shopping list. Reading your post makes blindness a wonderful thing to look forward to. As Robert Wilensky said: “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.”

Calling you dull is a gross underestimation of just how tedious you are. You have the personality of a damp sponge and the appeal of a moldy sweat sock. Looking at you, Darwin would NOT be pleased to see how inefficiently evolution sometimes works. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if your brain cells weren’t on the Endangered Species list; if your weren’t so fat that your cereal bowl has its own lifeguard, or if you didn’t have a face like a boiled Octopus. Who am I kidding? You would.

In closing, I suggest the next time that you feel an urge to embarrass yourself and bore others, that you summon all your might, and resist.

Flame 18

Just when I think, “Surely this person has reached and encapsulates the limits of Internet tedium” you go and push the boundary even further. Your post is an orgy of stultifying cacophonous verbal depravity; an exercise in literary impotence, and an offense to all of good taste and decency.

If brains were gasoline, you wouldn’t have enough to run an ant’s go-kart around the inside of a donut. If you’re going to say something that ignorant, you could at least fake a stroke. If you knew what you’re talking about, you’d be dangerous. As Abba Eban so aptly said: “His ignorance is encyclopedic.”

I’m busy trying to imagine you with a personality. Maybe you’d be less boring once I got to know you, but I don’t want to take that chance. If you called the Suicide Hotline, they’d say: “Go ahead. Do it!” Maybe you wouldn’t read like such a pathetic loser if you didn’t eat all those paint chips and lead pencils when you were a kid; if your weren’t so fat that a

“Place Your Billboard Ad Here” is printed on each of your butt cheeks, or if you didn’t have a face so ugly that even your mother didn’t know which end to put the diaper on. No, come to think of it, you would.

Finally, take a look at this map. See this little tiny island, way out in the Pacific Ocean? That’s where the people who care live.

Flame 19

Trying to get something of value out of your post is like trying to squeeze orange juice out of an apple. It’s truly amazing the way you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your typing, but then, making sense isn’t your area of expertise, is it? Reading your post makes blindness a wonderful thing to look forward to. I am reminded of something relevant that Benjamin Disraeli said: “He was distinguished for ignorance – for he had only one idea and that was wrong.”

You light up a room when you leave it. No doubt your life is so dull, that you can actually write your diary one week in advance. If I had wanted to talk to somebody with your personality, I would be at the damn pet store talking to the lizards. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if that pimple on your ass hadn’t turned out to be a brain tumor; if your weren’t so grossly fat that you have to put your belt on with a boomerang, or if you didn’t have a face that could be used as an alternative to a stomach pump. Who am I kidding?

You would.

In closing, I offer these heartfelt words: Go suck on a frozen pineapple, asshole.

Flame 20

Do you speak any language that non-gibbering idiots can understand? I suggest you hone your writing skills before applying borrowed glories as a mere typist.

You amaze me! I didn’t think it was possible for one person to possess such a vast reservoir of undiluted gibberish! If ignorance were a disability, you’d get the full pension. Well, you’re certainly thoughtless; I just wish that you were keyboard-less, too. To quote Thomas Brackett Reed: “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

You have that certain nothing. Truly, you are about as interesting as watching a slug move slowly across a large rock. You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you. Maybe you wouldn’t read like such a pathetic loser if your father didn’t screw a plant and raised a blooming idiot; if your weren’t so fat from all that cheap beer you spend your Welfare payments on that your belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine, or if you didn’t have a face so ugly that Peeping Toms break into your house and close the blinds. Nah, of course you would.

In conclusion, thank you. We were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

Now get the hell out of here!

Flame 21

I see that you are fluent in Gibbering Moronese. Unfortunately, I’m not. You generate more waffle than the waffle making machine in a waffle factory. Your post is an orgy of stultifying cacophonous verbal depravity; an exercise in literary impotence, and an offense to all of good taste and decency.

Here’s a tip: no one will ever know that you’ve had a lobotomy if you wear a wig to hide to the scars; stop posting your drivel on message boards, and learn to control the slobbering.

It’s truly amazing the way you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your typing, but then, making sense isn’t your area of expertise, is it? Well, you’re certainly thoughtless; I just wish that you were keyboard-less, too. Oh well, as the late Douglas Adams said: “You live and learn. At any rate, you live.”

If that post was intended as a joke, you forgot to include the punch line. If you called the Suicide Hotline, they’d say: “Go ahead. Do it!” Maybe you wouldn’t read like such a pathetic loser if you had enough brains to find water after falling down a well; if your weren’t so fat that all the restaurants in town have signs that say: “Maximum Occupancy: 80 Patrons OR You.”, or if you didn’t have a face so ugly that your Psychiatrist makes you lie face down.

No, come to think of it, you would.

Now, why don’t you climb onto that Special Needs tricycle of yours with the fourth wheel attached for extra-ensured retard stability and pedal your fat ass down to the sports field and do some “outdoors” stuff for a change. Hell, if you don’t like it, you can always offer to lick-clean the jockstraps.

More to come…