Me, Myself and Lavanya

I returned from a 12 days leave from office yesterday at 7:00pm. Somewhat enjoyed the time spent at home and at my relatives places. It was too hot during the time I was there. Still I could manage to go out on my Honda Activa once in a while mostly during evenings. Didn't really want to leave my mom alone and come here. But, i don't have any other option left. I have a job here in Bangalore. She has a job in Berhampur (a 27 hour train journey from Bangalore). I can't just ask her to leave the job and come over here, coz the salary I earn is not enough for me to manage for 2 people in such a costly city as this! I am not feeling ashamed saying this after working for 1 year and 6 months here. Coz, I know whatever I do I give it my best. I sometimes hate my company for the low salary that they give me. Coz, I have seen a lot of people sitting and working beside me and earning almost double of what I get. Not because I am not competent and don't work well. Just because I didn't have the required amount of experience needed when I joined this job. This month my sal came down much lower coz of the 6 days leave I took in April during my dad's demise. I didn't know that they would consider it as a Leave Without Pay (LWP). Not sure about the next months sal too. Coz for almost half of the month of May I was on leave. Hope it doesn't come down further. Our shift timings will be changing from June 4th. It would be 8:00pm to 5:00am. Too bad. Won't be able to adjust to this timing soon I guess. The whole night we have to be working.

Things changed a lot since 24th May, when she told me that her engagement is fixed somewhere in June. She didn't tell me the exact date inspite of asking repeatedly. May be she thought I would try to create some problems! I haven't talked to her once also since that day. Once in while I have sent a few messages and mails to her in response to her calls and messages. She hasn't told me anything about the person with whom she would be getting engaged to, except the name. She says, she knows nothing more except the name of the guy! Umm.. not too smart.

She wants me to forget nearly 2 years that we have spent together and forget dreaming about her. This is what she wrote in the message when she told about her engagement on 24th May. That message was too rude, considering the fact, just few days back we were meeting and talking on the fone normally as every other day! Saying I love you to each other so many times! She says she's just a normal girl like every other girl from a highly orthodox family. The truth is she isn't. The way I know her in these 1 and a half years, truly no one else can in a lifetime. She likes putting the blame for her mistakes on others and especially me, coz she knows I can't hurt her ever. She knows how mad I was and I am for her. She knows each and every little thing about me, which even my mom or the closest of my friends don't know! Still she could take this decision.

She couldn't fight for me in front of her parents. She has blamed me for each and every little thing that has ever happened between us since the time we are together. In the initial days when I was too scared to say "I love you" to her, she repeatedly kept on asking, Ashish do you love me? Do you think whatever is happening between us, is love? I tried to control my emotions a lot during those days and neither of us proposed each other offcially to be the first! We just went along and landed here, where we are now.

I didn't take the birthday gifts she had bought for me. I did accept them on 17th May when she gave those to me, but after all those things happened on the same date coz of her dad and she left me alone saying that "I am sorry", I was very depressed. The next day at about 4:30pm she came near my PG to give me the gifts. I didn't take them. She scolded my mom saying that my sister died coz my mom ran away and married my dad. Nothing better can be expected from a girl whom has always spoken bad about love and taken the side of her parents instead of being with the person who loves her so much! I always scold her for putting down love and speaking to me whenever we are arguing over something. She can easily say 100 advantages of arranged marriages when times are not in her favour. She is a kind of person who always keeps on searching for an easy way to do everything, whether it is good or bad. She chose to go against me and with her parents long back in December 2005. Once again she started meeting me, saying the same things and doing the same things with me that she had been doing since long back. Till the end of February 2006 we weren't talking or meeting much. From March till May, everything was normal as before. I never forced her to come back to me, coz a girl who blamed me for forcing her to love me and mistreated my mom, can never know the meaning of true love.

Will continue this sometime later. I am not feeling well right now and I do have a lot of time now to update my blog. Keep reading…