Me, Myself and Lavanya

All the mails, n all the cards I had had sent her are gone. She deleted everything including the folders I had created for her in her inbox wherein she used to store my mails. This bitch calls herself a normal girl! She calls herself Lavanya Trivedi. The “Trivedi” in her name T.Lavanya is fake. She herself told this to me few months back in January, 2006. She’s a pure orthodox South Indian, a native of a Palamaner near Tirupati in Andhra Pradesh. No south Indian can ever have Trivedi as a surname! I bet you.

She has always taken everything from me, used them, and then broken them and thrown them. That includes my heart. I was a fool to trust this bitch. Even after she told me clearly that she would never leave her parents and marry me, last December. My parents, friends and everyone else who knew me tried to explain me a number of times, they told a bitch who can change her mind in 3 days regarding her life partner can never be faithful to anyone. Still I trusted her and did everything I could for her.

What more can you expect from a bitch who said, I forced her to love me! Anyone in the world who knows the meaning of love will never say that love comes by force. The bitch enjoyed with me and my money all through the time she was with me. Finally, left me and married a man at least 10 years older than her and is now waiting to go and get settled in Johanesburg, SA. She left her job by the end of July and got married on August 12th. Since then she is sitting at home and chatting with her old friends and over the Internet, creating new email IDs. Her VISA and passport everything are ready. May be this man, her husband fell for innocent looks and face, just like me. One day he will come to know the real bitch hidden inside her innocent face. It’s just because of her innocent looks, she kept on fooling me all through this time.

Long back in October 2004, when i didn’t know anything about this girl. We were just batchmates in a training institute, she asked me for my phone number and called me the same day itself. Then she started playing with my feelings. I had this feeling, that she’ll never understand the meaning of love, from the way she used to speak about love. She has always put down and spoken shit about love when things don’t go her way. By March 2005, she repeatedly kept on asking me, why am I so possesive about her and did I love her. I never replied to this question for a few months. She kept of asking the same thing every evening when I used to call her and talk for hours. All through the year 2005 she used my cell phone and most of the time I used to recharge the cell for her so that I can talk to her. She never spent a pie for me till May 2005, when she bought a shirt for me on my b’day. I didn’t like it a lot. I just wore it a few times because she had had bought it for me with her money.

It took her just 3 days to change her mind in December, 2005 when her parents took her back home from Bangalore when they came to know about our relationship. She sent me a message saying she can never scarifice her parents for me! I still have most of her messages in which she has made huge promises and talked about dying if she isn’t able to stay with me! All that was bullshit. She has spoken very cheap about me, even after taking so much help from me. There have been times, when she won’t be having even 10 rupees with herself. At the most difficult times I have helped her and she does have a very bad habit of forgetting such things. The day her purse got snatched on the streets of BTM 2nd Stage, I helped her lodge a complaint in the police station and made sure that she doesn’t lose anything. The bitch doesn’t know how much I have scarificed for her.

Last December, when my mom was in Bangalore to talk to her parents and come to conclusion regarding what they want or what this bitch wants from me, she or her parents didn’t respond to my mom’s calls. On April 29th, 2006 she was sleeping with me in a resort. About 1 month later she got enagaged to this man named Mahesh! Isn’t that too fast? Doesn’t it look kinda planned? It’s already been a year since I started repaying the loan I took for both of us. She’s least bothered about that. She hadn’t had to spend anything when she was with me. Now, she’s married and her husband earns a lot. she’s got lots of money to spend now.

More than a million times I should have told her that I love her and can’t stay without her. Still the only excuse she gave me before getting engaged to this man, is that I don’t have that confidence to keep her happy and give her a secured life. What the fuck was she doing with me all through this time till May 17th, 2006 if she knew I don’t have that confidence and I am a coward? The fucking bitch told me, I am a coward and left me. Actually, she didn’t have the guts to convince her parents or talk to my mom.

Wherever she goes, no matter whatever she tries to get me out of her mind, I won’t ever let that happen. May be for a few years she can hide her past from her husband, but not forever. She spoiled my life. I can’t ever trust any girl in my life. What about me now? This is question I asked her when I talked to her for the last time….

It’s been a long time since I updated this blog. On June 2nd, I got Chicken Pox and had to go home on a long leave of about 20 days. Returned to Bangalore on 22nd June and started going to office from 23rd. I don’t have an Internet connection in room since then and it’s getting difficult pressing down my thoughts. A lot has changed with Me, Myself and Lavanya in these few days. I am the same. Working in the same office, staying at the same place, rarely going out unless it’s anything important, like getting cash from the ATM, bringing something to eat etc. My office hours are from 11pm to 8am starting September 3rd. As the days are passing by, its getting very difficult for me to manage things. My weekly off’s i.e., Thursday and Friday are the most terrible. I just don’t have anything to do except thinking about her. Don’t get sleep without sleeping pills, alcohol. I will just kill myself if I don’t stay under some kind of addiction. I don’t want to die so early. Im just 25!Bought a TV on July 6th, just because I could keep myself occupied in my free time. If im not on pills, I can’t do anything. I know my life has become useless. No matter how much people close to me try to give me hopes, I can easily see my end. I loved her so much. She was with me till May 17th, that was my b’day. Suddenly, things changed so drastically that she got engaged to a guy her parents selected on June 2nd or 3rd, without telling me anything! As far as I know, she got married to that guy on August 12th. She’s just waiting for her passport and Visa now, so that she can go abroad with that guy. Most probably the day I got Chicken Pox, she got engaged the same day. I was feeling very weak and was not able to get up from the bed and go to the doctor. I sent a lot of messages asking her to help me. She never replied to any of those messages. Finally, on the 5th of June, with the help of one of my friends, I decided to go back home in a Taxi. It was a long journey of more than 1400 kms. It took nearly 25 hours for me to reach home from Bangalore. Few minutes before I reached home, I got a message from her saying that she was not able to send a message at least to me in 4 days, even though she knew I was so sick and wanted her help. She has taken my help in each and every possible way when she was with me, even for things which she should be able to handle alone. I was always thinking she is a kid. She fooled me so badly, I can’t ever trust any girl in my life. Both these months of July and August passed by and she never tried to contact me at least once. On July 4th, she sent me a mail asking me to contact her parents and try to convince them in some way. There’s a catch here! She’s already engaged to that guy a month back and then she asks me to convince her parents, who can’t understand any language except thier native language, Telugu. I can talk to them either in English or Hindi and anyone can easily guess, what her parents would understand if I talk to them. It’s not that I haven’t tried. Last December, when she herself said that she cannot scarifice her parents for my love, I should have undertood the real intentions of this girl and kicked her out of my life. I almost stopped talking to her in January. Once again she started calling and messaging me in February. Once again she started sleeping with me, making fake promises of staying with me no matter whatever happens.

She enjoyed with my money and me, all through the time since October 2004. I am still paying the debts for the loan I took last year and spent on us, and will keep on repaying it for another 3 years. Whenever, I used to ask her anything about this, eithier it would lead to a big argument or I would have to say sorry and bow down to her at the end! Just because she doesn’t she doesn’t go and ask for money to someone else by the end of the month, I used to ask her every time if she needs any money. She forgot everything and I was sure that she won’t ever come back to me when she got engaged in June and didn’t respond to my messages when I was so sick. She even threatened me saying that, she would file a complaint against me if I don’t return her the snaps that we have taken together, before her marriage.

All I know about her engagement and marriage is from the mails that she has sent to her frinds and the mails she’s got from that guy. I just have her email ID’s password. May be she would change that soon. She deleted all the mails I had sent her in these 2 years may be on August 30th or 31st. I just checked it few hours back and it forced me to write up this post. There’s just an empty folder in her Email inbox names “ashish”, where she used to save all my mails. She deleted every single mail I had ever sent her. I felt like crying seeing the empty folder. I am just so lost. I gave all my love to this girl, she always craved for more and more money. This cruel and hungry for money and guys lady, spoiled me and my future completely. There may be many people out there thinking that, I didn’t deserve her, some people may think this was what destiny had in store for me. I won’t ever agree to that, even if I die. I make my own destiny. I tried in all possible ways to get her and convince her that I would keep her happy. But she directly told me once in May, that I don’t have that confidence to protect her and keep her happy. Why didn’t she think all these before sleeping with me so many times??

Im totally drunk now coz, it’s Friday, my week off. Will continue this any time later if I manage to hang on to this life. Help me…